Ricky, Jesse and Brina (and Patrick the Bear in Jesses arms) at York. 

A Family Initiation

We've just got back from taking Ricky to University at York. This has been the most emotional event in our family for quite some time, and despite having worked towards it for the last two years, in no way was I prepared for how quickly it came, and how deep it went. We just got a text from Ricky to say how "ace" his new flatmates were, and that he was OK. That meant so much, as when we left, there were plenty of tears - a mixture of sadness, excitment, and a recognition by the whole family (Ricky's girlfriend, who was with us also) that this was a "big thing". I smiled when, a few miles later on the drive home, I saw a big red road sign, reading "Changed Priorities Ahead". God's Signs are always in Humour.

I figured as well that most of my peers kids are generally only 4-14 years old; I seem to be the first of my "age" to be sending a son away. My peergroup talk about primary school grades, the difficulties of sex education, and stuff that now seems ancient to us. I then get to wonder if they realise - as I didn't - how big stuff gets later. I don't think we're ever equipped except in hindsight. Truth maybe brief, as Eco said (although I recently found the biblical quote he modified that from), and the rest merely commentary, but I think Wisdom is the Truth Lived, and is forever, where there is a Life to be Lived.

There is a hollow in my heart now, where a boy used to be. I tell myself it hurts because the love is still there, holding the shape of love without the physical presence to which it was once attached. And this makes it harder, it makes it more mystifying, more precious, and yes, more wonderful. I can't wait to see how much he changes, learns, and becomes the young man we've been seeing more of, recently.

I know he'll be fine; I'm sure we can sort the finances out, which are pretty demanding. I'm sure he and his girlfriend will adjust, and that he'll eat OK! Brina's been preparing for this moment for years, and told me to listen to "Kite" by U2. I did and I cried and laughed and cried and laughed and felt my heart open to possibilities again, for the whole family. I just have to be wise enough and deserve what I've been given in these people.

Mood : Deep. Awed. Excited. New. Scared. Smiley. Loving.